Bag, Man...

Dearest bagger,

At this time it seems necessary to explain to you what your goal is when packing my groceries into bags. I say this because clearly something has gone terribly wrong with the training you’ve received thus far. Remember this lesson – always blame management. It’ll take you far in this world.
Number one: You are not my personal trainer. It is not your mission to provide me with a weight training program by packing items into bags so they reach a weight of 75 pounds. It defeats the whole “bagging” thing when I have to remove things from the bag in order to carry the bag. Trust me, you are not developing my triceps.

Number two: This is not Sesame Street. The goal is not to place all similar things together. Think about it. These are groceries. All of these things all ready go together. This is particularly true if it will result in the aforementioned 75 pound bag. I cite specifically your obsession with canned goods.

Number three: This is not one giant Tetris game. The goal is not to maximize spatial relationships. Believe it or not, packing things tightly together actually does not result in safer transport. I cite my punctured carton of milk as the most recent example.

Number four: Appreciate the miracle that I remembered my bags from the trunk of my car. Please fight that primal bagger urge to put at least one thing in a plastic bag. Particularly when I have 20 bags of assorted shapes and sizes for you to work with. I’ve tried to put some variety and spice in this for you, surely there’s a bag there you can use for that candy bar.

Number five: Milk is heavy. Adhere to the two half gallon cartons per bag limit. Do not, under any circumstances consider that a waste of a bag. Just because there are only two items in the bag doesn’t mean you must add other items to the bag, particularly sharp, pointed items in a tight bag (see number three).

Number six: Marshmallows. They are not the grocery store equivalent of packing peanuts. Trust me, the taste loses something under extreme compression.

I hope these six guidelines help. Remember, baggers of the world, your job, thankless as it can be, is the final lap in the grocery run relay.

Don’t drop the baton on the bananas.