Fish out of water

(that's me, when I was waaaay smarter. At least as smart as a goldfish.)

Just recently two people I have known for a long time as young and footloose childless people have become expectant parents. And they've got that look. That deer in the headlights combined with intoxicated over-the-top happiness look.

I want to help them, I really do. Because I remember vividly how completely clueless I was when I was pregnant the first time. And the worst part about it – I had no idea I was clueless.

Outwardly I pretended to be aware that this was a whole new adventure I knew nothing about. But inwardly I was sure I knew what was what. I'd listened carefully to all the advice and act as if I was taking notes. I might even have written a few things down, like "carry a bottle of antibacterial soap at all times" (still the best single bit of advice I received).

But inside I just knew I had it all figured out.

Right. It's like the goldfish in its bowl thinking, "Man, if I could just get out of this bowl, you wouldn't believe the places I'd go. I'd rule the world!"

That goldfish thinks we're all swimming out here.

I knew, for example, I'd never panic over a mild fever. In reality, we went to the emergency room when I was pretty sure Sierra's cough sounded just like a barking seal.

I knew, once again, I'd never stick a lollipop in my kid's mouth just to have some peace and quiet on a long drive. In reality, there's a box of them in my car.

I knew I'd never park my child in front of the television. In reality I would never have gotten through a shower for the first five years if it weren't for the combined power of Dora the Explorer and Blues Clues.

And there was absolutely no way my children would have anything but a balanced breakfast. In reality, Sweeties Donuts are a regular feature in our 'we're running late, let's eat kolaches' dietary plan.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days in the fishbowl when I was so much smarter than I am now. I knew everything and there was a certain comfort in that skewed reality.

But once you jump out of the bowl, there's no going back.

Out here, mommies and daddies just have to flop our way through as best we can.

I Used To Be So Much Smarter

(fabulous photo taken by Andrea, the world best photographer)

My niece has a 13 month old baby and she reminds me of just how “smart” I was before I had a baby, and how “not smart” I was afterward.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that they’d just have to learn to sleep through noise because I wasn’t going to tip toe around “my” house.

Of course it only took two sleep deprived days before that little plan flew out the window. I nearly strangled three separate delivery men that first month. I also revised my understanding of the phrase “sleep like a baby.” Clearly it meant waking up every two hours and screaming.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I was going to keep going out and having adventures. It took one viewing of Finding Nemo to stop me from backing out of a parking space without my seatbelt already on, never mind riding on the back of a motorcycle.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I would still eat out and my kids wouldn’t be screaming or going crazy. Let’s just say that I’ve learned lots of ways to cook chicken at home.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I would not take time for myself, after all, you had to be balanced about these things. These days I look up and realize I forgot my earrings, am wearing a shirt that doubled as a face wiping rag earlier and haven’t shopped for new shoes since they came out with pointy toes. Was that the late 1990s? Are they back in?

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I was busy. Ha! Back then I had time to complain!

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I loved my dogs, loved my job, loved my car. Until you can hold out your hand to catch partially chewed food, picked out all the peas of a veggie medley, crawled under a bed to recover a lost stuffed animal despite the fact you might get stuck under there and end up on the 10:00 news, and carried someone in 100 degree heat from an event you never would have come to because you knew this would happen but they begged and begged… well, until then, you don’t know true love.

Yes, I was brilliant back before they were born. Now I’m just a silly ol’ mommy, figuring things out as we go along.