Near death for TF

The Tooth Fairy Lives - Barely

(Photo: The tooth fairy gets tough)

Mireya lost her first tooth and has been pretty skeptical about this whole Tooth Fairy thing. I blame the Splinter Fairy.

The Splinter Fairy is the fairy who, when small children get splinters, comes in the middle of the night while they are sound asleep and pulls out splinters, thus avoiding all the drama of a daytime extraction.

The Splinter Fairy was born when Mireya was practically hysterical about how her splinter would be removed since she was unwilling to have anyone look at it let alone remove it.

After a few nighttime Splinter Fairy extractions she asked the question I was dreading:

“Mommy, are YOU the Splinter Fairy?”

“Well, er, I… I give her a hand when she needs it.”

That’s vague, right? Within the bounds, surely. Well, that was the confession that began undermining everything. Even Santa has been called into question, for goodness sake. As a result I’ve been a bit nervous about the fate of the weakest mythical beings in the chain - the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Then, disaster struck. After loosing her tooth, Mireya decided to save it for a few days.

Memo to self: Never let them save their tooth, because they will place it under their pillow without informing you despite explicit instructions that you MUST BE INFORMED IMMEDIATELY.

It was 6 am and we were still sound asleep, dreaming of the day our kids would sleep late. The dream was split open by a shout.

“The Tooth Fairy didn’t come!” she sobbed from downstairs.

I’d tell you what my husband said at that moment, but this is a family blog.

Disappointment moved to anger as she stomped upstairs and confronted me with her tooth in hand.

“YOU’RE the Tooth Fairy!”

I really thought we’d be into molars before this came up. I mean come on, this is her FIRST BABY TOOTH. But I wasn’t giving up the Tooth Fairy without a fight.

“Mireya, you have to tell me when you put your tooth under your pillow.”

“Because YOU’RE the Tooth Fairy!”

“Honey, it’s for the Tooth Fairy’s protection. She’s afraid of dogs and won’t come over unless I tell the dogs to behave.”

(Photo: the scary dogs that would otherwise eat the tooth fairy, were they not prepared in advance)

Forgive me, Lord.

Thankfully this seemed reasonable to Mireya.

Together we spoke with the dogs about the Tooth Fairy, agreed to try again. Tooth Fairy arrived in full glory, bestowing bucks and a “Nice Tooth!” note.

Who knows how I’m going to rescue the Easter Bunny…

I Used To Be So Much Smarter

(fabulous photo taken by Andrea, the world best photographer)

My niece has a 13 month old baby and she reminds me of just how “smart” I was before I had a baby, and how “not smart” I was afterward.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that they’d just have to learn to sleep through noise because I wasn’t going to tip toe around “my” house.

Of course it only took two sleep deprived days before that little plan flew out the window. I nearly strangled three separate delivery men that first month. I also revised my understanding of the phrase “sleep like a baby.” Clearly it meant waking up every two hours and screaming.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I was going to keep going out and having adventures. It took one viewing of Finding Nemo to stop me from backing out of a parking space without my seatbelt already on, never mind riding on the back of a motorcycle.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I would still eat out and my kids wouldn’t be screaming or going crazy. Let’s just say that I’ve learned lots of ways to cook chicken at home.

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I would not take time for myself, after all, you had to be balanced about these things. These days I look up and realize I forgot my earrings, am wearing a shirt that doubled as a face wiping rag earlier and haven’t shopped for new shoes since they came out with pointy toes. Was that the late 1990s? Are they back in?

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I was busy. Ha! Back then I had time to complain!

I remember saying, before my kids were born, that I loved my dogs, loved my job, loved my car. Until you can hold out your hand to catch partially chewed food, picked out all the peas of a veggie medley, crawled under a bed to recover a lost stuffed animal despite the fact you might get stuck under there and end up on the 10:00 news, and carried someone in 100 degree heat from an event you never would have come to because you knew this would happen but they begged and begged… well, until then, you don’t know true love.

Yes, I was brilliant back before they were born. Now I’m just a silly ol’ mommy, figuring things out as we go along.

The Tooth Fairy's Third Cousin

Recently I heard that a fellow mom and writer's son had a pomegranate seed removed from his ear.

The mystery for his mom was that he had never, to her knowledge been near a pomegranate, let alone figured out how to peel it and stick a seed in his ear.

Of course I knew what was going on. This was the work of the pomegranate fairy.

If you haven't heard of the pomegranate fairy, you're not alone. She's often overlooked in the news because no one really eats pomegranates anymore and the tooth fairy has more extensive marketing.

The tooth fairy's fame is in large part thanks to major contributions from dentists in an ongoing effort to bring some positive publicity to the loss of a tooth. But that's another story.

Anyway, the legend of the pomegranate fairy goes way back to medieval times when mother, in a fit of exasperation, pleaded for divine intervention while eating a pomegranate. Her children had, for the 384th time forgotten to pick up their plates from the table, and, quite frankly she had HAD it. She hurled the pomegranate through the window, beaning a passing fairy.

This fairy, rather than fluttering on to a quieter neighborhood decided this was a sign that things were getting out of control and somebody better start listening or else!

Thus the first pomegranate was planted. Pomegranate fairies planted pomegranate seeds in children's ears so they would develop the ability to listen to their parents. Like so many things of singular importance, modern science has not determined exactly how this works, although the theory around our dinner table is that it probably has to do with the sticky, red juice.

Whatever the mechanism, the great news was that for generations children were listening to their parents, eventually leading to the birth of the greatest generation of all.

Unfortunately, with changes in fairy legislation in the 1980s requiring adherence with 13 international treaties and 94 new FDA guidelines referencing pomegranates and their use in the outer ear, fewer than seven PFs (as they are known in fairy circles) are working in the US today.
Those valiant seven are overworked, underappreciated and just plain tired (sound familiar?) and, as with most people with way too much to do, they blow it routinely.

As a result, some of the seeds, instead of being properly planted, are slipping into the ear canals causing distress to the recipients, freaking out parents, and sending children to ENT doctors for pomegranate seed extraction.

Of course, they don't teach about the pomegranate fairy in medical schools these days, so when a seed shows up, everyone is astonished. Mothers search their gardens and children don't listen to a word that is being said until they hit their 20s.

Which explains a lot, don't you think?